-“They oughta have a suicide ramp at the Grand Canyon.”

+”Say, what?”

-“Yeah.  A big old fucking ramp right next to the edge of the canyon so you can drive your car off and take the big plunge.  Put it right next to that glass bridge they got, you know?”

+”I don’t know why we have these talks, I really don’t.”

-“Merton gets it, don’t ya’ Mert?”

=”Huh?”

-“Yeah, a big ass ramp.  Like, too big to miss, you know?  Extra wide and with a nice long approach road, so you can get up a good head of steam and ‘WHOOSH”, off you fucking go.  And bleachers too, so people can have a sandwich and watch the action.  Televise it too, or at least live stream it, right?  The Government would probably sponsor the whole thing, they want us all to die before we reach Social Security age anyways.”

+”That’s sick.”

-“Not any sicker than the shit you can already watch online.”

+”New subject, please.”

-“How do you think Scat Girls get started?  Do they just get some of it on their finger one day and think, ‘Yeah, this is great.  I should definitely explore this some more,’ or what?”

+”It’s only Tuesday, for God’s sake.  Can’t this stuff wait until, I don’t know, Thursday or Friday?  Some night when we’re really putting them down?  I totally need to be drunk to handle these conversations, I swear to God.”

-“And what about breast implants?  You think those are, like, made out of 85% silicone and 20% delusion?”

+”That’s more than 100%, numbnuts.”

-“Yeah.  Delusion.  But, maybe, more like 80 and 25% instead, right?”

+”…”

-“Alright, jeez, we’ll fucking talk about something else.  Man, you’re so touchy on Tuesdays.”

+”You just give me a frickin’ headache sometimes.  Makes my skull hurt.”

-“Oh, shit, that reminds me – I got the perfect solution to fix the crime rate in this country, I was thinking about it the other fucking day.  All you’ve got to do is come up with some kind of shot or something, like a drug, and what it does is, it makes your skin really papery thin and it makes your skull eggshell thin too, like really fucking brittle.”

+”What?”

-“Yeah, so like when some asshole commits a crime and goes to court and everything and is totally guilty, you give him this shot that fucks up his skin and bones.  Then he can’t commit any more crimes ‘cos he’s walking around all day worrying about ripping his skin or cracking his egghead open.  For the rest of his life he’d have to be real fucking mellow, walk around all careful and shit.  That’s the price you pay for being a thug, dickhead.”

+”I’m gonna need another beer over here.”

-“Maybe not a drug though, maybe it’d have to be Keister-Bots instead.”

+”And a shot of whiskey.”

-“I mean, fucking nanobots are the way of the future, right?  And the quickest way to inject ’em is right up the old backdoor yazoo, ya know?”

+”What about just swallowing them instead?”

-“Hey, if you want to put a Keister-Bot in your mouth, that’s your business.  Point is, you get those little fuckers in there and they can start changing shit around, so to speak, make that skin nice and papery.”

+”Maybe the Scat Girls could be involved in the action somehow.”

-“See?  Now you’re fucking getting it, you just need your Tuesday whiskey is all.  Drink up and I’ll tell you about my weight loss idea, the E.A.T.W. diet plan I came up with.”

+”E.A.T.W.?”

-“Extremely Aggressive Tape Worm.”

+”Annnd, I’m out.”